


Looking for Heaven's Gate

by Demoneyedwanderer666



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cas' POV, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-25
Updated: 2016-08-25
Packaged: 2018-08-10 23:49:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7866214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Demoneyedwanderer666/pseuds/Demoneyedwanderer666
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Separation can kill us all, but how far would you go to save the ones you cherish the most? Which side would you choose?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I took deep breaths momentarily as i walked along these grounds, my ankle deep in those clouds of white as I kept wandering. The flakes fell upon my head and covered my body in the process too, sadly my coat did not provide any source of warmth and as a result my heart rate had slowed down.

Humans would've died right here in this spot, with their lips turning blue and eyes open wide, accepting defeat and moving on to seek paradise as they usually do; they would be in constant search for a bright light that would guide them, protect them. What if none of those things happened? What if you closed your eyes even when you still hoped that someone would save you? When your spirit has clearly given up? What if you just closed your eyes and that was it? Just darkness? I had faced death many times, I was a being that had taken over someone else, and even though I feel pain along with my vessel it is not I who has bore that pain, but it was him. I had killed my vessel long ago, and now I wear him as if he were nothing but a meat suit, a cover. 

My donkey skin, I'd like to call it. 

My feet kept on moving even with the possibility that my blood had frozen completely, but I presume that was not likely. My feet shuffled along the solid ground; making it impossible for me to walk in a normal fashion, by now I was putting all the force on my upper body so that it doesn't malfunction. My clenched fists had started to sweat and strain in the process as I applied all of my strength on my arm movements. I sniffled and coughed, exasperated by the cold I end up stomping my feet in one position, completely losing control of my motor functions and breathing. 

I fall. What a nostalgic feeling it was. 

I fall on the snow, my face is completely buried in the white sheet, creating a slight fog as I breathe inside it. My hands are frozen, refusing to relax and be free; I sob at my miserable state for what seemed like hours, I was being punished and hence my icy grave had been prepared. Ice had started to form on my lashes, feeling a heavy weight every time I blinked, my eyeballs are stuck and plastered at the back of my brain, this was possibly the strangest death I had imagined for myself. 

If only. 

I could've seen him. 

One last time.


	2. Chapter 2

"You know you could've just waited. Jeez"

I walk along the rough terrain which possessed nothing but gravel, the ground bloomed with dust grey forms and shapes, unaware of what had created this I stand in silence. I hear him fluttering and moping about behind me, clearly he was uninterested in whatever was happening. The sound of his crunching boots grow louder towards my right side where he currently stood; to my surprise he was usually quite slow with his feet today. His black flannel shirt had creases upon it, apparently he failed to iron his shirt again; or maybe it got ruined along the way?. 

Never mind. 

"We must keep going, you're slowing us down" I walk faster ahead of him this time; my shoes end up crunching away whatever was left in the dead ground, the birds had all left their nests in the grim looking trees and only the wind was there to accompany us. I turn around (quite annoyed to be honest) and look at him, I unconsciously pout when I see him standing in the same spot. 

"What is it?" He walks two steps closer and stops again, his once illuminating green eyes seemed dim as I look at him. 

"Why are you here?" 

"What?" 

"Why. Are. You. Here?". I was merely concerned by his words, I ask of him if he was alright, if he was aware of why we were travelling so far. 

"Do you remember this place? Do you remember why we left in the first place?" 

I gaze at him in confusion, why was he?- 

"Have you found what you were looking for?" 

Oh. 

I failed to realize this scenario, I failed to realize that this was a memory. None of this is happening for the first time. 

I am still looking. 

Looking for heaven. 

"Aah, I can see from your face that you know this isn't reality, this is all in your head, correct?"

His green pools were boring into me as every word left his lips with a drip of poison, he licked his lips and rubbed his temples; clearly avoiding eye contact.  
"Well? Have you found it?."

I bent my head forward and failed to reply for minutes, his stance had made me stiff and glued to my place. "No, It appears I have not." 

He shifted in his place and started walking in circles around me, as if it were a formality, we were as silent as the dead beneath us. I turned to him and say. 

"Am I dead Dean?" 

"No, you idiot" 

"Then I am clearly in such a state which may result to my death" 

"You know what Cas? You're at fault here. This whole shit went up in flames just because you couldn't sit still." 

"I only wished to find my brothers and sisters Dean. I only wished to see my Father, I wanted Him to answer so many questions" 

"And?" 

I opened my mouth but I ended up closing it seconds later, I was completely unaware of what I had been saying. Was I really dying?. "Cas, you don't have to do this, I mean.. We've only got each other. You, me and Sammy. That was the deal" 

My eyes begin to wander, I look at his rugged physique as it tensed up with his words; it was hard to believe that this was just a dream, a memory, my past. "You can't find heaven Cas, not in this messed up world. There is nothing but death and darkness and we need each other to make it through; and there is nothing that would change that. There's no one out there waiting for you, no one" 

"Why are you telling me this now? Why didn't you say these things when I actually spoke to you?" 

He looked directly at me, refusing to break eye contact. His eyes were deepened with grays in his usual green, what was this uncertainty? 

"Your eyes"


	3. Chapter 3

"Excuse me?"

"Your eyes god dammit! I couldn't say it to you. You had so much hope in your eyes that day that it hurt me inside, it made me realize that there was some innocence that existed in this world, and of all people it had to be you..." 

The sound of a storm could be heard but the sky had completely turned white, it was slowly fading as the ground beneath me started to shake. I almost lost my balance which caused me to look away from him for a few milliseconds, I looked up and saw him crying. Was it me who did that?. 

"DEAN" I scream over the noise of rubble and shattering skies, he's still standing with his hands in his pockets, sniffling slightly as the tears keep streaming. 

"Are you heaven?" I breathe "Are you MY heaven? Was I searching for you all this time?". The trees have started to fall and break into dust, butterfly corpses begin to appear beneath me as I stare at him with fear. 

I was scared of this place. 

I was afraid I'd lose him again. A tree had fallen between us and it shed its bark with ease, releasing a black substance in the process. My God was I afraid. 

I heard him scream back "FOR SOME REASON I ALWAYS KNEW THAT YOU'D COME BACK" He smiled through his weakened state. 

"CAS" His words caught my heart and broke it instantly. 

"I NEED YOU TO COME BACK TO ME" 

The whiteness had begun to grow, the liquid was consuming me and the only thing I was holding on to was his words, his last glance. 

I needed to go to him. In the real world. 

He was waiting for me. 

Wake up Castiel. 

WAKE UP.

......................................

 

Crystalline formations had stiffened my body as I opened my eyes, somehow my head felt strangely light. The sun was out for only a few !minutes as its dim rays was shining upon me, I wonder why I had recovered once again?  
Why did i always manage to come back?

I groaned as I shifted uncomfortably in one spot, helplessness had invaded my mind to its deepest core and hence my limbs and feet refused to act. I heaved a sigh in my critical state, knowing that it would take me quite a while until I got up again. But even then I knew that I couldn't wait any longer, my patience was limited and my heart was driving me mad in this state. There was only one way I could reach him in time, it would take the life out of me to do it but I had to risk it. I closed my eyes and calmed myself by breathing quietly and slowly. The wind sounded empty as it evaded my ears and snow had begun to fall once more as the sun went down. My trench coat was soaked by the ice formations and it had stiffened my muscles and spinal chord, how was I alive? My eyes twitched even when I refused to open them, I moved my head slightly to get better frequency and recollection of what I was hearing. Until I finally found it. 

"Cas?" 

"You got your ears on?" 

I smiled as tears had begun to fall, they grazed my icy lips as I was filled with salty joy. It felt so welcoming when I heard him speak, his brisk voice had brought me back to reality again. I laughed in silence and I began to spread my wings. The frail feathers were withering as I stretched them apart, my broken soul refused to believe that I was still in one piece. I started to lose myself as everything around me had become blurry, a vortex like dimension had started to swallow me up as I started floating into nothingness. I had nothing but his voice to guide me as I blindly crawled into the white light. 

'Cas Cas Cas Cas' was all I could hear in my ruptured ears, my heart couldn't contain the pain that had exploded within me. 

COME BACK 

Crippled images, shrieking sounds, bloody blades, demonic possessions, puzzled memories, forbidden lands, old enemies, biblical scriptures. 

And now wooden floors, beer crates, marked maps, hidden pasts, sudden warmth, shaking hands, green eyes, broken words, desperate cries, saddened laughter. 

Home. 

I was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this a few years ago too! I guess I wrote this when season 8 or 9 had released, still not sure though :p Hehe, I'm still grooming and trying to write better I guess :p Hope you enjoyed it!


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